Africans In China

Are we the only ones who think that Hilariously Failed Attempts at Guinness World Records would make a better book?

We believe we have much to learn from these brave souls who, through lack of planning and/or ability, set an example for all of us not to follow.

The Goal

To break a row of coconuts open as quickly as possible with his bare hands, thus proving once and for all man’s dominance over nature.

What Went Wrong

Imagine if coconut breaking was your ultimate goal in life. Practicing long and hard on the lesser, punier fruits, calculating the ideal point at which to hit a coconut for maximum destruction, trying to find someone who actually cared about your hobby…these are all part of the trials that a coconut smasher faces in life.

Imagine the anticipation when the big day comes, when you finally get that chance to join the hallowed ranks of famed fruit and vegetable destroyers that Guinness has produced.

So you invite your friends and family to watch. You get the TV cameras there to record your triumph. You line up many, many coconuts…

…And while you manage to break both your spirit and probably your hand, you break not a single coconut.

Lesson Learned

Look, we know coconuts aren’t free. But when you try to set a record of some kind, you might want to, you know, practice doing it at least once. And don’t practice on, say, rotten watermelons or eggplant. Spring for a couple of real coconuts, and do a dry run before the cameras get there. You’ll thank yourself later.

(http://www.cracked.com)

I just landed in La Guardia and got into a taxi heading off to Manhattan. I settled in and gave the driver the details of my hotel. I was surprised - he was one of the few taxi drivers in New York with a New York accent. Imagine that. An ex-firefighter he told me. He leaned back in that taxi driver way and half looking over his shoulder asked me where I am from (out the corner of his mouth the way taxi driver do). “South Africa”, I replied, not really thinking about it. He went quiet for a little bit - no small feat for a New York taxi driver. I could see him frowning at himself - thinking what to say in reply. He leaned back and said, “So where is that?” Huh? “Hum, it is a country in the Southern part of Africa”, I replied - not sure what to actually say. Silence again. I could see his eyes in the review mirror and it was clear he had no idea where to go with this conversation. He looked at me in the review mirror and said, “So, who’s the President of Africa?” WTF? How do I answer that one? “Well. Hum”, was all I could initially think of saying. Silence from my side trying to figure out an answer. Do I ask if he has ever heard of Nelson Mandela? Do I explain Africa is a continent and not a country? Do I say South Africa is the name of a country? No wait - I got it. I looked at him and said, “Robert Mugabe”.

I mean really. What was I going to say?

I am from Africa. Here’s the problem with that. If I said I am from America what would you think? US of A right? There is only one America in the eyes of the world. When people talk about America they don’t mean the continent, they mean the country. But in Africa we have the opposite problem. People think Africa is just some uniform place somewhere off the coast of Australia or England. Yeah, many people think we are just a single entity with people who are all the same no matter where you go.

You can find Italian Americans in the USA and French Canadians in Canada, but there is no such thing as an Italian African or French African. Except if they got lost in the Dakar Rally somehow. No. To the world we are just Africans in Africa. All the same. A uniform country where we all speak Swahili or some or other version of clicking noises. (The God’s must be Crazy is seen as a hard hitting documentary!)

I wish we were this uniform. It would make things a bit easier. I mean really. In South Africa we have 11 official languages. And it doesn’t mean that if you knew one that you would know the other. Nope. It’s like Spanish and English - completely foreign to each other. Oh, we have some words we share - lekker and bakkie being a few we share in South Africa. Some more can be found at A-Broader View. Can you imagine 11 official languages? But we do have something in common. We are South African. And fiercely proud of it. Like all other countries we believe that our country is the greatest on this earth. A blessing from God. And we use our own criteria - like all other countries. The US measures it in wealth and the “American dream”. The German on their efficiency. The Brits on fish and chips, and warm beers. We measure ours on our past that we have overcome. That ours are the most just of societies. Where people from all backgrounds, ethnic groups, sexual orientation and religions can hang out together and have fun. Yes our great spirit is never better seen than when we are having a party. Which is most of the time. Oh, and don’t forget that we are the world champions in rugby, ranked number one in cricket for One Day Internationals and a string of players in the Top 20 in golf - and guess who will host the 2010 Soccer World Cup? Yeah! South Africa - the greatest nation in the world! (According to South Africans and a few of the most informed and wisest citizens of other countries.)

You know why Africans always smile and wave at each other? Because we are to sh*t scared of opening our mouths and having to speak to the other person. Which language do we pick? We have over 2,000 languages in Africa. So it makes it a bit difficult to pick one. Okay, we have the colonialist to thank for giving us English and French - most of us can speak one of the two. Badly, yes. But we can somehow communicate with each other. And a beer always helps to make the understanding a bit easier.

Here’s my other problem with people thinking of Africa as a country. I was on NewsBusters to “engage” them. If that’s what you want to call it… Well. Not everyone appreciated my superior wit and intelligence. (Hah - stop laughing!) What I found odd was that they always started talking about Africa and how bad it was - full or wars, Marxists, failed states, poverty etc. Well, they only did this when I pointed out flaws in some of their arguments - such as Obama not being Muslim or President Bush was maybe not a war hero. And then they got even more pissed when I started talking about Africa.

You see, Africa has many failed states. But we also have many good ones. Zambia, for instance, is more Swiss than the Swiss themselves. Yes, Zambia is as poor as you can get. Nothing there but some copper and poverty. They don’t even have a sea - they are landlocked. But Zambia has the friendliest people in the world Never been in a war - inside or outside their borders. And Botswana has been a fast growing economy for as long as I can remember. And Mozambique is growing at an enormous rate since the end of the war and offer so much in tourism. And Senegal has one of the greatest Presidents of Africa and the world - Wade. And…

Yes. There is a Zambia for every Zimbabwe. A Senegal for every Sudan. For every Equatorial Guinea an Egypt. A Botswana for Burundi. We are as diverse as the 52 independent states (60 if you include the territories) in Africa. As different as our languages. As straight or as crooked as our borders. We are black, brown, grey, white, pink, yellow - and any other shade you can think of. We are a crazy bunch who don’t get borders but will defend it to the death. We are mad, sometimes bad, too often sad, but always glad. We might not be a country. But we are Africans. And proud of it. Robert Mugabe or not.

(angryafrican)

(sockandawe.com)

So many writers are making money writing stupid self-help books. Is there some little book, which circulates from president to president, like The Secret? Or are they all the kind of Africans who believe in crazy muti deals with the devil and that killing your own son at midnight will give you power?

Me, I believe that, like us, they learn from newspapers and, in these very minutes, some sneaky dictator somewhere on this continent is watching Mugabe and saying “aha”.

The Daily Telegraph of England is a good read for all promising dictators of former English colonies - they report Dictator News with relish and regularity. Avoid blogs, they will depress you. Avoid Wikileaks.

Maybe they are reading this and will sneak it into their pockets.

Rule 1. Be the richest man in your country (Daniel arap Moi, Robert Mugabe). If you are a second-generation dictator, this is not hard; just blackmail the guy who came before you (Frederick Chiluba). If you come from an oil-producing country, this is even easier (many Nigerians and Angolans, Chad). If you are a Kenyan, the National Social Security Council is always good for a few billion. Defence contracts even better (all presidents). Money-printing contracts, the best (all presidents). If you are a South African, then anything with the word “black empowerment” works fine.

Rule 2. Find poor, stupid and brutal men from every corner of your country and make them rich. Do not give them money. Give them a place to steal from. Stupid people do not save money.
Give all women’s church groups money. They are the most powerful groups in your country.

Rule 3. Make America or China happy. Make Israel and Saudi Arabia very happy. Become a Muslim, like Idi Amin. Visit Moammar Gadaffi often. He likes African leaders. We do not know why. Pray with George Bush and let him see your soul. Make your country’s leading supermodel the ambassador to France and Italy. Ask her to wear a mini when presenting her papers to Nicholas Sarkozy.

Rule 4. Be very, very nice to your army. Be mean to your police.

Rule 5. Allow all international NGOs and donors free access to starving rural people, so that they vote for you because they got food aid (most African countries).

Rule 6. Colonial countries expected little of Africans. Maintain this illusion. Keep your citizenry ignorant and unproductive. For their food needs, see Rule 5 above.

Rule 7. Make sure you become the tribal leader too (Jomo Kenyatta, Moi, Jacob Zuma). Even if you do not speak the language (Jerry Rawlings). Meet all the important people in your tribe every month and emphasise strongly how the other tribes are going to kill you all if you leave power (Moi). The word will spread and, when the shit hits the fan, your people will yield machetes for you. In Africa “tribe” means anybody who speaks your language to whom you regularly give money and civil service jobs. Just like the colonials.

Rule 8. Destroy or infiltrate all unions and civil organisations that have a constituency of educated Africans. All farmers’ associations, all parents’ associations, all teachers’ associations, all church groups … these are very dangerous, especially the Catholics, who have a dictator in the Vatican they account to, who is richer than you. This way, you have no organised civil society that works. If your citizenry cannot organise themselves on issues such as work or education, they can only organise themselves by tribe. And all your cabinet ministers control their tribes, just as you do because they are the richest people in their tribes.

Rule 9. Allow all civil society groups that do not have any sizeable membership or constituency among your citizens. This way, you can shrug your shoulders and say you are happy to be criticised, but what noise they make means nothing. They have to account only to their donor, who lives in Denmark, and also fund the food aid you need for elections.

Rule 10. A free press is important. But have shares in all major media and make sure that you allow them to be very critical of everything, except you. You can, these days, secretly pay bloggers. They can say, for example, that your economic policy is Keynesian, but they should never say you are a “corrupt Zulu warlord”.

Rule 11. Do not send all the money you steal to Switzerland and do not give it to your wife. Buy US treasury bonds and hide them in your children’s library. They will never use it. Why should they read? Daddy is rich. Do not have businesses in your wife’s name. Or in your children’s names. Deal in euros, Krugerrands and diamonds.

Rule 12. Be nice to your fellow world dictators; you may need them to give you a home some day. Join Nepad (Wade). It is great for networking. Attend all African Union (AU) meetings and bring presents. The AU is the dictator’s best friend (Idi Amin). For presents to colleagues, cash is good, gold is better and treasury bonds are best. No Ndebele prints please.

If all these things fail and you find yourself in State House surrounded by screaming citizens carrying homemade weaponry, make sure you have a Hummer (Raila Odinga) in your garage. They are cheap now in America. You can burst out of your palace and make your way to Somalia, where you can become a pirate who earns $50-million a year.

(www.mg.co.za)

In honoring an ancient tradition that the bride’s feet shouldn’t touch the ground during the journey from home to the ceremony, a Chinese couple got married in mid-air in two tractor digger buckets.

Wedding organizer, Fan Yalin, said the usual way of following the tradition was for the groom to carry the bride in his arms from the car.

However, this couple wanted to do something different and being that the groom’s job is selling heavy machinery, his colleagues came up with the idea of having them stand in two tractor buckets.

And so it went, with the bride and two bridesmaids in one and the husband and two best men in the other. The couple, who took the words, ‘until death do us part’ a bit more to heart than most, told the media that they loved the ceremony, describing it as “dangerous but sweet.”

“It was really cool to have a tractor bucket marriage. Very interesting.” said one of the guests.

Whatever floats your boats or keeps your tractor bucket in the air!

Kudos to the happy couple! May they fly together for a long time to come!

()

A group of atheists filed a lawsuit Tuesday seeking to remove part of a state anti-terrorism law that requires Kentucky’s Office of Homeland Security to acknowledge it can’t keep the state safe without God’s help.

American Atheists Inc. sued in state court over a 2002 law that stresses God’s role in Kentucky’s homeland security alongside the military, police agencies and health departments.

Of particular concern is a 2006 clause requiring the Office of Homeland Security to post a plaque that says the safety and security of the state “cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God” and to stress that fact through training and educational materials.

The plaque, posted at the Kentucky Emergency Operations Center in Frankfort, includes the Bible verse: “Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.”

“It is one of the most egregiously and breathtakingly unconstitutional actions by a state legislature that I’ve ever seen,” said Edwin F. Kagin, national legal director of Parsippany, N.J.-based American Atheists Inc. The group claims the law violates both the state and U.S. constitutions.

But Democratic state Rep. Tom Riner, a Baptist minister from Louisville, said he considers it vitally important to acknowledge God’s role in protecting Kentucky and the nation.

“No government by itself can guarantee perfect security,” Riner said. “There will always be this opposition to the acknowledgment of divine providence, but this is a foundational understanding of what America is.”

Kentucky has been at the center of a series of legal battles involving religious issues in recent years, most involving displays of the Ten Commandments in public buildings. One case went to the U.S. Supreme Court, which ruled in 2005 that such displays inside courthouses in two counties were unconstitutional.

Kentucky isn’t the only state dealing with religious issues, but Ed Buckner, president of American Atheists, said it’s alone in officially enlisting God in homeland security.

“I’m not aware of any other state or commonwealth that is attempting to dump their clear responsibility for protecting their citizens onto God or any other mythological creature,” Buckner said.

State Rep. David Floyd, R-Bardstown, said the preamble to the Kentucky constitution references a people “grateful to almighty God,” so he said he sees no constitutional violation in enlisting God in the state’s homeland security efforts.

“God help us if we don’t,” he said.

Copyright © 2008 The Seattle Times Company

Ever wonder what happens to old subway cars when subway lines upgrade to newer trains? In Beijing at least, the ones used pre-Olympics have been shipped to Sichuan and converted into temporary winter shelters. Ten DK-16 trains, each with six cars, are now in Guangyuan, a city north of Sichuan’s capital Chengdu.

(gizmodo)

Sure, they may not look very homey to us, but they’re an ingenious way to deal with the terrible problem of the thousands left homeless by the earthquake, while making sure older subway models don’t end up in a landfill somewhere. Altogether, the trains will accommodate roughly 1,200 people. [China News]

The Players:

Winston Churchill, one of Britain’s best-loved Prime Ministers, helped lead the nation to victory in World War II by sitting on his fat ass, smoking cigars, and delivering more quotable lines than an entire staff of Simpsons writers. Churchill was such a powerful force in English politics that his death ensured work for ugly British actors for at least the next millennia. During his time in Parliament, he often had the occasion to square off against the conservative Lady Astor, first female member of Parliament and renowned wit. Whether Astor’s penchant for attacking Churchill was due to his being a heavy drinker, occasionally sexist, or simply a worthy sparring partner, their scuffles proved that if there’s anything politicians do well, it’s talk some serious shit.

Setting the Scene:

I should actually say “scenes.” Astor, who eventually became a Christian Scientist, didn’t much cotton to Churchill’s habit of smoking cigars by the case while double-fisting whiskey sours. Churchill may have started the rivalry when he compared Astor’s election to Parliament to be “like being intruded upon in the bathroom.” To which Astor replied “you’re not handsome enough to have such fears.” Reportedly Churchill then choked on a lungful of cigar smoke, eyed her through the haze, and muttered “it’s on now.” And on it was, with such exchanges as:

Churchill: “What disguise would you recommend I wear to your costume ball?”
Astor: “Why don’t you come sober, Prime Minister?”

Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”
Churchill: “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

But perhaps the best-loved Astor/Churchill battle is the following, made doubly impressive by the fact that, by the admission of both parties, Churchill was visibly drunk at the time–

The Zing:

“Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!”

The Comeback:

“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”

What We Would Have Said:

“I won World War II, Ass-turd, so shut it. You know, Nazis? Hitler? Your face.”

The Players:

Churchill you may remember from several minutes ago. At this point in our story, he’s still the British Prime Minister, still drinks and smokes like a fish’s chimney, and still seems to spout off horrendous burns like some kind of reverse fireman. This time, the target of his fire hose is George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, author of Pygmalion, and Socialist extraordinaire. Shaw spent most of his life crusading for the working class, even going so far as to donate the monetary portion of his Nobel Prize in literature to the effort to translate Swedish works of literature into English. This also qualified him for the Nobel Prize in Most Obscure Donation, the financial proceeds of which he used to build a gold statue of himself.

Setting the Scene:

When Shaw’s play Major Barbara went up (or by some accounts Pygmalion), he decided to invite Winston Churchill to the opening via personal telegram. Shaw and Churchill had what could be termed a “friendly rivalry” going on, insofar as both had at one point publicly called the other vastly overrated. But since Nobel Laureates are “above” expressing rivalry by punching each other mercilessly in the shoulder, Shaw’s telegram read–

The Zing:

“Have reserved two tickets for opening night. Come and bring a friend—if you have one.”

Churchill wired back–

The Comeback:

“Impossible to come to first night. Will come to second night—if you have one.”

Churchill then chuckled at his own telegram, rolled over in bed, and helped Lady Astor sneak out the fire escape.

What We Would Have Said:

“Request another ticket, as I am bringing two friends–my balls. Will introduce them to your face.”

(Cracked)

An Australian woman says she hated snakes even before she found 14 young carpet pythons in her bedroom.Esther Honegger of Fannie Bay told The Northern Territorian she first noticed some of the snakes as she prepared for bed Wednesday night.

“I hate snakes and as I walked backwards and forwards I would see another one,” she said. “They were everywhere — there was one curled around my bedhead, another around the bottom of the chair, and when I went outside there was one in the hallway, another on the railing and another on the step. It was like I was having a nightmare.”

Snake catcher Geoff Brouff removed seven of the baby pythons Wednesday and was summoned back to Honegger’s home Thursday, when he found seven more.

Brouff believes a female python living on the roof laid her eggs there and the babies slithered down through air-conditioning vents. Since carpet pythons usually lay 25 to 30 eggs, Honegger could have some more unwelcome guests.

“I’ve never had a call out for so many snakes before, so I thought it was a joke for sure,” he said.

(upi)

(gizmodo)

We’ve all done it, but usually when we do, we do it on the couch and wake up with dicks on our face. But if you’ve got no friends and no where to go, you’re likely one of the following top 10.

These are the top 10 signs you drank too much.

10. The gardener doesn’t even wake you

9. You’re walking on train tracks with cones on your head

8. You’re using your hand as a pillow

7. You passed out standing up

6. Foot on the bench, body on the floor

5. No shirt, Mumm’s, champagne flute and a suitcase?

4. Only Batman himself can handle 14 zombies

3. “Slow Hand” can’t handle the booze

2. No sink, no toilet, urinal it is

1. ‘Nuff said

(bannedinhollywood)

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.