Africans In China

President Bush was given an Iraqi-journalist-style sendoff on his last full day in office Monday, as tourists and demonstrators lobbed shoes, pumps, boots, sandals and Crocs from Pennsylvania Avenue onto the White House lawn.

Before launching the operation live, the shoe-chuckers took target practice in Dupont Circle on a 20-foot-tall blow up doll of the outgoing president, decked out in the flight suit he wore aboard the “Mission Accomplished” aircraft carrier.

Unlike Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi reporter who inspired the protest, none of the shoe-throwers in the group were arrested. (Later that day, reports NBC, one man was arrested for chucking a shoe at the White House.)

Marching down Connecticut Avenue with handfuls of footwear, the group of about a hundred was on the receiving end of enthusiastic honks, thumbs-up and waves from people in the street.

The reception was almost as warm from the people guarding the White House.

“Don’t hit me!” one officer behind the White House fence joked as shoes rained around him.

Tracey Primavera, a shoe-lobber from Provincetown, Massachusetts, shouted at the guard that she had a pump that would look nice on him.

“I tried that. It didn’t look good on me,” yelled back the officer. Primavera tossed him the pump anyway.

Tourists on Pennsylvania Avenue picked up shoes and lobbed them at the White House as well. “A lot of random people joined in,” noted one organizer, David Swanson. “Everybody wanted to be photographed with an “Arrest Bush” sign.

The tourists also joined a spontaneous chorus that formed. On the night of the election, thousands of people swarmed the White House and sang the old sports classic, “Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye.” The song made a reappearance Monday, as did a number of tunes apparently written for the occasion, with lyrics such as “Hang down your head, George Bush/Hang down your head in shame,” and “Take him to the Hague” — the latter sung to the tune of “Working on the Railroad.”

The target practice on the giant Bush doll began around 11:00 in the morning and was still going five hours later, as thousands of people walking through the circle stopped to pick up a shoe and wing it at the outgoing president. Some threw fastballs like al-Zaidi. Others tied several together in an attempt to land them on Bush’s long Pinocchio-esque nose. Children took part. (”Okay. One more shoe, kids,” said one parent.) Some folks simply walked up to the doll and kicked it in the shins. It fell over at one point and people rushed it, beating it with shoes.

Still others, like al-Zaidi, missed.

“Ah! I missed!” yelled Sharon Kerr, in town from Austin, Texas, after chucking wide of her presidential mark. She said that she felt a little like the Iraqi reporter for missing. But she noted in his defense, “He had people blocking him.”

Kerr began to leave the circle but stopped. “I’m gonna go one more time. I’m gonna nail him this time,” she said before winding up and striking him cleanly in the belt.

Cheryl Upshaw, in from Atlanta and sporting a full-length fur coat, hit the Bush doll high on the shoulder. “I was really trying to aim for his heart,” said Upshaw, a registered nurse who owns a home healthcare agency. The throw was cathartic, she said, and it seemed to relieve some of her anger.

“It’s not that I hate him,” she clarified. “I don’t hate him personally. I hate what he has done to this country.”

Medea Benjamin, a cofounder of the antiwar group CODEPINK, said the protest was a way to “get the Bush era out of your intestines.”

“I was a little reluctant because I want to be in a positive mood,” she said. “I don’t want to be seen as doing something violent. The shoe-throwing is borderline, but the intent is to insult, not to hurt. There’s a fine line.”

Once all the shoes had been tossed onto the White House lawn, the officers collected them and piled them into the back of a small truck. “The next person who throws them gets arrested,” said one, though the entire pile had already been thrown.

As the protesters headed back toward Dupont Circle, a Secret Service agent left them with a parting observation.

“You all won,” he said.

(Photo credit: James Sappington)

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com)

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

(http://www.theonion.com)

Joe Francis and Larry Flynt claim the economy has made America’s sexual appetite go limp, so they’re going to the one place where sex is always rampant — Congress.

Flynt (the “Hustler” guy) and Francis (the “Girls Gone Wild” dude) are asking the government for a $5 billion bailout, claiming the adult entertainment industry has taken a huge shot to the face because of the downturn — citing the fact that XXX DVD sales are down 22% from a year ago.

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” Flynt says. “It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.”

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: “Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation’s most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration.”

Francis says he’s going to D.C. to personally make the pitch. Sounds like someone has a bone to pick.

(http://www.tmz.com)

A 6-year-old Virginia boy who missed his bus tried to drive to school in his family’s sedan — and crashed. His parents were charged with child endangerment. State police said the boy suffered only minor injuries and authorities drove him to school after he was evaluated at a local hospital for a bump on his head. He arrived shortly after lunch, Sgt. Tom Cunningham said.

It happened around 7:40 a.m. Monday on Route 360, about 61 miles east of Richmond.

The boy, whose name wasn’t released, missed the bus, took the keys to his family’s 2005 Ford Taurus and drove nearly six miles toward school while his mother was asleep, police said.

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school.

The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

“He was very intent on getting to school,” said Northumberland County Sheriff Chuck Wilkins. “When he got out of the car, he started walking to school. He did not want to miss breakfast and PE.”

His parents, Jacqulyn Deana Waltman, 26, and David Eugene Dodson, 40, are each charged with child endangerment, Wilkins said. Waltman is being held without bond. Dodson was released on a $5,000 bond.

It was not clear if they had attorneys.

The boy and his 4-year-old brother were placed in protective custody.

“This really is a story of miracles,” Wilkins said. “The Lord was with him, along with everybody else on the highway.”
(http://news.yahoo.com)

Two German children - aged five and six - have been stopped by police from eloping to Africa to tie the knot in the sun, reports say.

The three were trying to travel without passports or money

The budding lovebirds, identified as Mika and Anna-Lena, packed bathing costumes, sunglasses and a lilo and headed for the airport.

They even had the presence of mind to invite along an official witness - Anna-Lena’s seven-year-old sister.

The three got as far as Hanover railway station before police intervened.

The young couple were “very much in love” and had decided to get married in Africa “where it is warm”, police spokesman Holger Jureczko told the AFP news agency.

Sun-seekers

The idea for the getaway wedding was born as the children’s families celebrated New Year’s eve together and Mika regaled the two girls with stories of a recent holiday to Italy.

The following morning, as their parents slept, the intrepid trio walked 1km (0.6 miles) to the local tram station at Langenhagen, where they hopped aboard a tram for Hanover central station.

But the group aroused the suspicion of a guard as they waited for a train to the airport, and police were called in.

Officers persuaded the children they would not get far without tickets and money, but consoled them with a free tour of the police station, where they were shortly picked up by relieved parents.

Although any marriage plans have been put on hold for now, police did not altogether rule out the possibility of an African wedding.

“They can still put their plan into action at a later date,” AFP quoted the spokesman as saying.

Source:BBC Europe

A daredevil Catholic priest who was killed after floating out to sea suspended by 1,000 helium-filled party balloons has been honoured for his idiocy.

Reverend Adelir Antonio di Carli had been trying to break a record for the longest time in-flight with party balloons when he disappeared.

Three months later his body was discovered off the south-eastern coast of Brazil.

But now he has won the 2008 Darwin Awards which commemorates people who die in a stupid fashion.

Rev di Carli planned to use the money raised in his attempt to break the 19-hour record to fund a “spiritual” rest-stop for truckers in Paranagua, home to Brazil’s largest grain port.

Second place went to Italian Ivece Plattner, 68, who got trapped in between a level crossing in his beloved Porsche.

It took Plattner a while to realise he was stuck, according to witnesses. Finally, he jumped from the car and started to run - towards the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his car.

The attempt was successful. The car received less damage than its owner.

(http://www.metro.co.uk/)

Everyone farts… Whether it be in public, on a date, or during an interview, it happens and we know how embarrassing it can be.

Luckily, a man named “Big Chicken Mushroom” from WuHan, China, has invented the “Fart Silencer”, a small plastic tube that you… um… put in your anus.

The “Fart Silencer” is a small plastic tube with one end that is completely open and the other end having numerous smaller holes in it.

Users are instructed to insert the open end into their anus when they feel a fart is coming. This should eliminate any unwanted sound farts tend to produce.

Users are also instructed to spray a cotton ball with their favorite perfume and put it into the “Fart Silencer” to eliminate any unwanted odor that might occur.

Below is the inventor’s demonstration by uses his mouth as anus, seems like it is working.

Here is some video of the inventor demonstrating his “Fart Silencer“, with his mouth of course…

(http://www.weirdasianews.com)

A massive 160 meter long and 24 meter high Santa Claus has been sculpted out of ice in China’s northern city of Harbin.

The sculpture is said to be the largest ice Santa in the world, complete with beard and hat.

“It is even bigger and higher than last year’s, and more difficult. The weather swings between warm and cold, so it becomes very wet and slippery on the ice. It is very dangerous for us,” one of the sculptors said.

(http://www.weirdasianews.com)

(http://www.funnyordie.com/)

Are we the only ones who think that Hilariously Failed Attempts at Guinness World Records would make a better book?

We believe we have much to learn from these brave souls who, through lack of planning and/or ability, set an example for all of us not to follow.

The Goal

To break a row of coconuts open as quickly as possible with his bare hands, thus proving once and for all man’s dominance over nature.

What Went Wrong

Imagine if coconut breaking was your ultimate goal in life. Practicing long and hard on the lesser, punier fruits, calculating the ideal point at which to hit a coconut for maximum destruction, trying to find someone who actually cared about your hobby…these are all part of the trials that a coconut smasher faces in life.

Imagine the anticipation when the big day comes, when you finally get that chance to join the hallowed ranks of famed fruit and vegetable destroyers that Guinness has produced.

So you invite your friends and family to watch. You get the TV cameras there to record your triumph. You line up many, many coconuts…

…And while you manage to break both your spirit and probably your hand, you break not a single coconut.

Lesson Learned

Look, we know coconuts aren’t free. But when you try to set a record of some kind, you might want to, you know, practice doing it at least once. And don’t practice on, say, rotten watermelons or eggplant. Spring for a couple of real coconuts, and do a dry run before the cameras get there. You’ll thank yourself later.

(http://www.cracked.com)

I just landed in La Guardia and got into a taxi heading off to Manhattan. I settled in and gave the driver the details of my hotel. I was surprised - he was one of the few taxi drivers in New York with a New York accent. Imagine that. An ex-firefighter he told me. He leaned back in that taxi driver way and half looking over his shoulder asked me where I am from (out the corner of his mouth the way taxi driver do). “South Africa”, I replied, not really thinking about it. He went quiet for a little bit - no small feat for a New York taxi driver. I could see him frowning at himself - thinking what to say in reply. He leaned back and said, “So where is that?” Huh? “Hum, it is a country in the Southern part of Africa”, I replied - not sure what to actually say. Silence again. I could see his eyes in the review mirror and it was clear he had no idea where to go with this conversation. He looked at me in the review mirror and said, “So, who’s the President of Africa?” WTF? How do I answer that one? “Well. Hum”, was all I could initially think of saying. Silence from my side trying to figure out an answer. Do I ask if he has ever heard of Nelson Mandela? Do I explain Africa is a continent and not a country? Do I say South Africa is the name of a country? No wait - I got it. I looked at him and said, “Robert Mugabe”.

I mean really. What was I going to say?

I am from Africa. Here’s the problem with that. If I said I am from America what would you think? US of A right? There is only one America in the eyes of the world. When people talk about America they don’t mean the continent, they mean the country. But in Africa we have the opposite problem. People think Africa is just some uniform place somewhere off the coast of Australia or England. Yeah, many people think we are just a single entity with people who are all the same no matter where you go.

You can find Italian Americans in the USA and French Canadians in Canada, but there is no such thing as an Italian African or French African. Except if they got lost in the Dakar Rally somehow. No. To the world we are just Africans in Africa. All the same. A uniform country where we all speak Swahili or some or other version of clicking noises. (The God’s must be Crazy is seen as a hard hitting documentary!)

I wish we were this uniform. It would make things a bit easier. I mean really. In South Africa we have 11 official languages. And it doesn’t mean that if you knew one that you would know the other. Nope. It’s like Spanish and English - completely foreign to each other. Oh, we have some words we share - lekker and bakkie being a few we share in South Africa. Some more can be found at A-Broader View. Can you imagine 11 official languages? But we do have something in common. We are South African. And fiercely proud of it. Like all other countries we believe that our country is the greatest on this earth. A blessing from God. And we use our own criteria - like all other countries. The US measures it in wealth and the “American dream”. The German on their efficiency. The Brits on fish and chips, and warm beers. We measure ours on our past that we have overcome. That ours are the most just of societies. Where people from all backgrounds, ethnic groups, sexual orientation and religions can hang out together and have fun. Yes our great spirit is never better seen than when we are having a party. Which is most of the time. Oh, and don’t forget that we are the world champions in rugby, ranked number one in cricket for One Day Internationals and a string of players in the Top 20 in golf - and guess who will host the 2010 Soccer World Cup? Yeah! South Africa - the greatest nation in the world! (According to South Africans and a few of the most informed and wisest citizens of other countries.)

You know why Africans always smile and wave at each other? Because we are to sh*t scared of opening our mouths and having to speak to the other person. Which language do we pick? We have over 2,000 languages in Africa. So it makes it a bit difficult to pick one. Okay, we have the colonialist to thank for giving us English and French - most of us can speak one of the two. Badly, yes. But we can somehow communicate with each other. And a beer always helps to make the understanding a bit easier.

Here’s my other problem with people thinking of Africa as a country. I was on NewsBusters to “engage” them. If that’s what you want to call it… Well. Not everyone appreciated my superior wit and intelligence. (Hah - stop laughing!) What I found odd was that they always started talking about Africa and how bad it was - full or wars, Marxists, failed states, poverty etc. Well, they only did this when I pointed out flaws in some of their arguments - such as Obama not being Muslim or President Bush was maybe not a war hero. And then they got even more pissed when I started talking about Africa.

You see, Africa has many failed states. But we also have many good ones. Zambia, for instance, is more Swiss than the Swiss themselves. Yes, Zambia is as poor as you can get. Nothing there but some copper and poverty. They don’t even have a sea - they are landlocked. But Zambia has the friendliest people in the world Never been in a war - inside or outside their borders. And Botswana has been a fast growing economy for as long as I can remember. And Mozambique is growing at an enormous rate since the end of the war and offer so much in tourism. And Senegal has one of the greatest Presidents of Africa and the world - Wade. And…

Yes. There is a Zambia for every Zimbabwe. A Senegal for every Sudan. For every Equatorial Guinea an Egypt. A Botswana for Burundi. We are as diverse as the 52 independent states (60 if you include the territories) in Africa. As different as our languages. As straight or as crooked as our borders. We are black, brown, grey, white, pink, yellow - and any other shade you can think of. We are a crazy bunch who don’t get borders but will defend it to the death. We are mad, sometimes bad, too often sad, but always glad. We might not be a country. But we are Africans. And proud of it. Robert Mugabe or not.

(angryafrican)

(sockandawe.com)

So many writers are making money writing stupid self-help books. Is there some little book, which circulates from president to president, like The Secret? Or are they all the kind of Africans who believe in crazy muti deals with the devil and that killing your own son at midnight will give you power?

Me, I believe that, like us, they learn from newspapers and, in these very minutes, some sneaky dictator somewhere on this continent is watching Mugabe and saying “aha”.

The Daily Telegraph of England is a good read for all promising dictators of former English colonies - they report Dictator News with relish and regularity. Avoid blogs, they will depress you. Avoid Wikileaks.

Maybe they are reading this and will sneak it into their pockets.

Rule 1. Be the richest man in your country (Daniel arap Moi, Robert Mugabe). If you are a second-generation dictator, this is not hard; just blackmail the guy who came before you (Frederick Chiluba). If you come from an oil-producing country, this is even easier (many Nigerians and Angolans, Chad). If you are a Kenyan, the National Social Security Council is always good for a few billion. Defence contracts even better (all presidents). Money-printing contracts, the best (all presidents). If you are a South African, then anything with the word “black empowerment” works fine.

Rule 2. Find poor, stupid and brutal men from every corner of your country and make them rich. Do not give them money. Give them a place to steal from. Stupid people do not save money.
Give all women’s church groups money. They are the most powerful groups in your country.

Rule 3. Make America or China happy. Make Israel and Saudi Arabia very happy. Become a Muslim, like Idi Amin. Visit Moammar Gadaffi often. He likes African leaders. We do not know why. Pray with George Bush and let him see your soul. Make your country’s leading supermodel the ambassador to France and Italy. Ask her to wear a mini when presenting her papers to Nicholas Sarkozy.

Rule 4. Be very, very nice to your army. Be mean to your police.

Rule 5. Allow all international NGOs and donors free access to starving rural people, so that they vote for you because they got food aid (most African countries).

Rule 6. Colonial countries expected little of Africans. Maintain this illusion. Keep your citizenry ignorant and unproductive. For their food needs, see Rule 5 above.

Rule 7. Make sure you become the tribal leader too (Jomo Kenyatta, Moi, Jacob Zuma). Even if you do not speak the language (Jerry Rawlings). Meet all the important people in your tribe every month and emphasise strongly how the other tribes are going to kill you all if you leave power (Moi). The word will spread and, when the shit hits the fan, your people will yield machetes for you. In Africa “tribe” means anybody who speaks your language to whom you regularly give money and civil service jobs. Just like the colonials.

Rule 8. Destroy or infiltrate all unions and civil organisations that have a constituency of educated Africans. All farmers’ associations, all parents’ associations, all teachers’ associations, all church groups … these are very dangerous, especially the Catholics, who have a dictator in the Vatican they account to, who is richer than you. This way, you have no organised civil society that works. If your citizenry cannot organise themselves on issues such as work or education, they can only organise themselves by tribe. And all your cabinet ministers control their tribes, just as you do because they are the richest people in their tribes.

Rule 9. Allow all civil society groups that do not have any sizeable membership or constituency among your citizens. This way, you can shrug your shoulders and say you are happy to be criticised, but what noise they make means nothing. They have to account only to their donor, who lives in Denmark, and also fund the food aid you need for elections.

Rule 10. A free press is important. But have shares in all major media and make sure that you allow them to be very critical of everything, except you. You can, these days, secretly pay bloggers. They can say, for example, that your economic policy is Keynesian, but they should never say you are a “corrupt Zulu warlord”.

Rule 11. Do not send all the money you steal to Switzerland and do not give it to your wife. Buy US treasury bonds and hide them in your children’s library. They will never use it. Why should they read? Daddy is rich. Do not have businesses in your wife’s name. Or in your children’s names. Deal in euros, Krugerrands and diamonds.

Rule 12. Be nice to your fellow world dictators; you may need them to give you a home some day. Join Nepad (Wade). It is great for networking. Attend all African Union (AU) meetings and bring presents. The AU is the dictator’s best friend (Idi Amin). For presents to colleagues, cash is good, gold is better and treasury bonds are best. No Ndebele prints please.

If all these things fail and you find yourself in State House surrounded by screaming citizens carrying homemade weaponry, make sure you have a Hummer (Raila Odinga) in your garage. They are cheap now in America. You can burst out of your palace and make your way to Somalia, where you can become a pirate who earns $50-million a year.

(www.mg.co.za)