There’s a lot to love about being single. You save money on Valentine’s Day gifts, you get to meet new and interesting people and sometimes you even get to have sex with them.

But it’s not all knocking boots and freedom. There are some aspects of single life that might, in fact, be seen as less than desirable. And then there are these five facts that will make you wish you got married in high school …

Single People Tell Themselves:

Of course my married co-workers take home a little more scratch than me! They tend to be older and lamer, and most corporate pay-scales are directly tied to how old and lame you are.

“We deserve more money, because we’re so close to death.”

The Truth:

You’ve got one part right: Your married co-workers take home more money. Just how much you’re getting cornholed depends on who you ask, but a recent study pegged it at about 27 percent.

But it’s not just age. The above study was based on identical twins where the bachelor was just as educated as his married dopelganger. In fact, even if you and a married man do the same job at the same level of competence for the same number of years, the guy with the ring takes home more than you.

“And I don’t even like my wife, you chump!“

There are a couple of possible explanations for this and, contrary to what you might want to believe, none of them involve your boss being jealous of your electrifying sex life. The explanation married guys are most likely to cite is a little old fashioned elbow grease. It’s hard not to hustle when the option behind door number two is “let your wife and kids starve to death.” Meanwhile, single guys are more likely to take a sick day to sleep off an especially bad hangover, or quit a great job because the nachos in the cafeteria suck.

And even if your married co-worker is the slap dick and you’re the responsible one, the perception still may not change. From your boss’s perspective, that guy’s money is going toward feeding his kids. Yours could be going toward any number of elicit activities he’s vaguely aware of. One of those sex parties he’s seen on those HBO documentaries, perhaps.

Single People Tell Themselves:

In an unprecedented act of kindness, American corporations decided their employees were working too hard and began enforcing something called “work/life balance.” Of course they had their selfish reasons. A happier employee will do better work, and get sick less. But who cares? Less work means more time for us single folk to go out and have indiscriminate sex with one another, right?

The Truth:

If you’re single, work/life balance is yet another way for the world to punish you for being unloved. One way the “balance” is enforced is the Family and Medical Leave Act, which gives any employee the right to take time off if a spouse, child or parent gets sick.

But what if you’re struggling to save up enough money for a ring for your girlfriend of seven years when she gets hit by a bus? According to work/life balance, you’d better have some vacation time saved up. Otherwise, you’re just going to have to learn to weep a little quieter, because you’re sort of bumming out the rest of the folks in Accounts Receivable.

Take it outside.

There’s also the unofficial considerations. Married employees simply have more legitimate excuses to ask for time off: a kid’s birthday party, an anniversary dinner, Christmas. Yes, single people are more likely to be asked to work on holidays. The logic goes: You’re single, you don’t have a wife or kids, what could you possibly have to do? It doesn’t matter if you were planning to spend the day delivering presents to sick children. Someone’s got to pick up the slack for the married guy who keeps taking time off to attend his daughter’s dance recital.

“Dance Recital.”

But don’t worry too much about vacation time. Thanks to something called per person double occupancy (PPDO), you wouldn’t be able to go on good vacations anyways. Essentially, hotels, cruise lines, pretty much anything that isn’t a plane or a train, is designed and priced for couples. The travel industry wants as many people as possible roaming the streets in a capitalist frenzy. The more people they can pack into a hotel or a cruise ship, the happier they are. If that means punishing you for being unloved, so be it. Maybe you’ll learn not to be so lonely next time.

Single People Tell Themselves:

The tax code has something called the “marriage penalty,” which is supposed to make married couples pay more. See? Uncle Sam remembers what it was like to be a squirrel trying to get a nut.

The Truth:

Actually, 51 percent of married couples get a tax bonus, and it can be up to $1300 a freaking year. Just enough for your co-worker to take his wife on that Hawaiian vacation while you do all his work.

The benefit comes if there’s an income disparity; i.e. one partner is making more than the other. If they’re pulling in the mad bucks and their spouse is working a part time job, or just a full-time job that sucks, they wind up paying less. You’re stuck with the full tab.

To add a little salt to the hemorrhaging wound in your bank account, married couples can choose to file jointly or separately. So they have plenty of wiggle room to get the lowest taxes possible. So basically, instead of getting a tax break, you’re doing the equivalent of buying another wedding gift for all the happily married couples you know every April 14th.

You paid for that wine. And that mustache.

And if you think the government’s a dick to private citizens around tax time, you should try fighting wars for them. You might expect the military to pay people who get shot at pretty well, regardless of whether or not they’re married. But in fact, a soldier with a ring on their finger is entitled to an extra $250 a month based on a piece of legislation left over from WWI called Family Separation Allowance. They also get an increased housing allowance, which is untaxed money. So basically, married soldiers get bigger houses and enough money to install a jacuzzi in the backyard. But hey, at least you single folks get to play the field in Iraq.

Above: The field in Iraq.

(http://www.cracked.com)

George W. Bush died today according to a South African TV station. During one of its broadcasts, ETV News ran a moving banner across the screen announcing the death of the former US president.

Minutes later, jubilant crowds thronged the streets across the nation hoisting up flags and banners in celebration. In the capital Pretoria, tens of thousands of people marched upon the Union Buildings which include the official seat of the South African government. There they sang songs, danced and even joyously wept. Some reporters at the scene are said to have heard clapping and cheering coming from within the parliament building itself.

In Johannesburg, home to 3.8 million people, around 750,000 revellers danced in the city’s large Botanical Garden. Fireworks were set off, bungee-jumps erected and roses handed out to passers-by. Unfortunately, the local council is said to be devastated after the garden’s main attraction, the famous Rose Garden, was left bereft of its 10,000 roses.

Table Top Mountain, which overlooks the city of Cape Town saw its largest influx of visitors on record. Close to a million people flocked to the flat-topped mountain in order to attend a gigantic prayer service in thanksgiving for the day’s extraordinary news. One of South Africa’s prominent bishops was on hand to lead the act of worship.

However, it was later discovered that the TV moving banner news had been a mistake which had taken place when a technician had pressed the wrong button. The staff member had selected the “broadcast live for transmission” button instead of the test-run alternative. Apparently he had just wanted to see what the test banner would look like and had typed in “Bush is dead” as a gap filler.

“The technical director pressed the wrong button, it took a second for the words to appear and then the words were on screen for only three seconds before they were taken off.” said spokesman Vasili Vass.

Unfortunately, the correction was announced on television after most people had left their houses to celebrate the original, but mistaken, news piece. Police and the army have been put on high alert in case of widespread violence and rioting once the general public hear of the corrected news. It’s expected alcohol sales and the use of firearms will increase dramatically over the next week as people try to dull the pain.

The new US president, Barack Obama, has so far refused to comment on the story. Some Western media journalists are calling this the ‘Bushism of Bushisms’.

(http://politicsandpoetry.com)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to the library or a computer lab and found someone still logged into their user account. It used to make me angry. It used to make me wonder what was wrong with people. I don’t know if they just forget or just don’t care, but either way they deserve to be messed with for their stupidity. It took almost a year of my life to find these and to some degree I feel bad, but I’m pretty sure these people won’t ever forget to log out again.

This one is pretty intense and I questioned actually doing it for a solid 15 minutes, but in the end I had to do what I had to do. Plus, she sounds like a pretty annoying girl from the look of her course load so that helped ease my guilt.

I found this gem a week or so ago when I was going to a computer lab. Apparently this genius just bought something off Amazon and forgot to log off his user account. I delved a little deeper and found this guy also opted to save all his information, including his credit card and address. He needs to learn a lesson or two about the internet and security.

This was one of the first ones I found. The girl made a mistake I’ve seen time and time again: she forgot to log out of her e-mail account, so I did what I had to. I invaded her privacy. I looked at a couple past e-mails, then came across one from her dad sent a couple weeks earlier. I thought I’d write him a little note.

I was working on my final paper at the library late one night when I found this one. It was about 1 a.m. and I was only halfway through and couldn’t connect to the wireless so I kept aimlessly walking around to take breaks every 15 minutes. This guy was still logged into facebook. All those girls were the girls who most recently signed his now ex-girlfriend’s wall.

So treat this as a public service announcement. Watch out. Log off. I’m lurking.

(http://www.collegehumor.com)

President Bush was given an Iraqi-journalist-style sendoff on his last full day in office Monday, as tourists and demonstrators lobbed shoes, pumps, boots, sandals and Crocs from Pennsylvania Avenue onto the White House lawn.

Before launching the operation live, the shoe-chuckers took target practice in Dupont Circle on a 20-foot-tall blow up doll of the outgoing president, decked out in the flight suit he wore aboard the “Mission Accomplished” aircraft carrier.

Unlike Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi reporter who inspired the protest, none of the shoe-throwers in the group were arrested. (Later that day, reports NBC, one man was arrested for chucking a shoe at the White House.)

Marching down Connecticut Avenue with handfuls of footwear, the group of about a hundred was on the receiving end of enthusiastic honks, thumbs-up and waves from people in the street.

The reception was almost as warm from the people guarding the White House.

“Don’t hit me!” one officer behind the White House fence joked as shoes rained around him.

Tracey Primavera, a shoe-lobber from Provincetown, Massachusetts, shouted at the guard that she had a pump that would look nice on him.

“I tried that. It didn’t look good on me,” yelled back the officer. Primavera tossed him the pump anyway.

Tourists on Pennsylvania Avenue picked up shoes and lobbed them at the White House as well. “A lot of random people joined in,” noted one organizer, David Swanson. “Everybody wanted to be photographed with an “Arrest Bush” sign.

The tourists also joined a spontaneous chorus that formed. On the night of the election, thousands of people swarmed the White House and sang the old sports classic, “Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye.” The song made a reappearance Monday, as did a number of tunes apparently written for the occasion, with lyrics such as “Hang down your head, George Bush/Hang down your head in shame,” and “Take him to the Hague” — the latter sung to the tune of “Working on the Railroad.”

The target practice on the giant Bush doll began around 11:00 in the morning and was still going five hours later, as thousands of people walking through the circle stopped to pick up a shoe and wing it at the outgoing president. Some threw fastballs like al-Zaidi. Others tied several together in an attempt to land them on Bush’s long Pinocchio-esque nose. Children took part. (”Okay. One more shoe, kids,” said one parent.) Some folks simply walked up to the doll and kicked it in the shins. It fell over at one point and people rushed it, beating it with shoes.

Still others, like al-Zaidi, missed.

“Ah! I missed!” yelled Sharon Kerr, in town from Austin, Texas, after chucking wide of her presidential mark. She said that she felt a little like the Iraqi reporter for missing. But she noted in his defense, “He had people blocking him.”

Kerr began to leave the circle but stopped. “I’m gonna go one more time. I’m gonna nail him this time,” she said before winding up and striking him cleanly in the belt.

Cheryl Upshaw, in from Atlanta and sporting a full-length fur coat, hit the Bush doll high on the shoulder. “I was really trying to aim for his heart,” said Upshaw, a registered nurse who owns a home healthcare agency. The throw was cathartic, she said, and it seemed to relieve some of her anger.

“It’s not that I hate him,” she clarified. “I don’t hate him personally. I hate what he has done to this country.”

Medea Benjamin, a cofounder of the antiwar group CODEPINK, said the protest was a way to “get the Bush era out of your intestines.”

“I was a little reluctant because I want to be in a positive mood,” she said. “I don’t want to be seen as doing something violent. The shoe-throwing is borderline, but the intent is to insult, not to hurt. There’s a fine line.”

Once all the shoes had been tossed onto the White House lawn, the officers collected them and piled them into the back of a small truck. “The next person who throws them gets arrested,” said one, though the entire pile had already been thrown.

As the protesters headed back toward Dupont Circle, a Secret Service agent left them with a parting observation.

“You all won,” he said.

(Photo credit: James Sappington)

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com)

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

(http://www.theonion.com)

Joe Francis and Larry Flynt claim the economy has made America’s sexual appetite go limp, so they’re going to the one place where sex is always rampant — Congress.

Flynt (the “Hustler” guy) and Francis (the “Girls Gone Wild” dude) are asking the government for a $5 billion bailout, claiming the adult entertainment industry has taken a huge shot to the face because of the downturn — citing the fact that XXX DVD sales are down 22% from a year ago.

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” Flynt says. “It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.”

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: “Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation’s most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration.”

Francis says he’s going to D.C. to personally make the pitch. Sounds like someone has a bone to pick.

(http://www.tmz.com)

A 6-year-old Virginia boy who missed his bus tried to drive to school in his family’s sedan — and crashed. His parents were charged with child endangerment. State police said the boy suffered only minor injuries and authorities drove him to school after he was evaluated at a local hospital for a bump on his head. He arrived shortly after lunch, Sgt. Tom Cunningham said.

It happened around 7:40 a.m. Monday on Route 360, about 61 miles east of Richmond.

The boy, whose name wasn’t released, missed the bus, took the keys to his family’s 2005 Ford Taurus and drove nearly six miles toward school while his mother was asleep, police said.

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school.

The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

“He was very intent on getting to school,” said Northumberland County Sheriff Chuck Wilkins. “When he got out of the car, he started walking to school. He did not want to miss breakfast and PE.”

His parents, Jacqulyn Deana Waltman, 26, and David Eugene Dodson, 40, are each charged with child endangerment, Wilkins said. Waltman is being held without bond. Dodson was released on a $5,000 bond.

It was not clear if they had attorneys.

The boy and his 4-year-old brother were placed in protective custody.

“This really is a story of miracles,” Wilkins said. “The Lord was with him, along with everybody else on the highway.”
(http://news.yahoo.com)

Two German children - aged five and six - have been stopped by police from eloping to Africa to tie the knot in the sun, reports say.

The three were trying to travel without passports or money

The budding lovebirds, identified as Mika and Anna-Lena, packed bathing costumes, sunglasses and a lilo and headed for the airport.

They even had the presence of mind to invite along an official witness - Anna-Lena’s seven-year-old sister.

The three got as far as Hanover railway station before police intervened.

The young couple were “very much in love” and had decided to get married in Africa “where it is warm”, police spokesman Holger Jureczko told the AFP news agency.

Sun-seekers

The idea for the getaway wedding was born as the children’s families celebrated New Year’s eve together and Mika regaled the two girls with stories of a recent holiday to Italy.

The following morning, as their parents slept, the intrepid trio walked 1km (0.6 miles) to the local tram station at Langenhagen, where they hopped aboard a tram for Hanover central station.

But the group aroused the suspicion of a guard as they waited for a train to the airport, and police were called in.

Officers persuaded the children they would not get far without tickets and money, but consoled them with a free tour of the police station, where they were shortly picked up by relieved parents.

Although any marriage plans have been put on hold for now, police did not altogether rule out the possibility of an African wedding.

“They can still put their plan into action at a later date,” AFP quoted the spokesman as saying.

Source:BBC Europe

A daredevil Catholic priest who was killed after floating out to sea suspended by 1,000 helium-filled party balloons has been honoured for his idiocy.

Reverend Adelir Antonio di Carli had been trying to break a record for the longest time in-flight with party balloons when he disappeared.

Three months later his body was discovered off the south-eastern coast of Brazil.

But now he has won the 2008 Darwin Awards which commemorates people who die in a stupid fashion.

Rev di Carli planned to use the money raised in his attempt to break the 19-hour record to fund a “spiritual” rest-stop for truckers in Paranagua, home to Brazil’s largest grain port.

Second place went to Italian Ivece Plattner, 68, who got trapped in between a level crossing in his beloved Porsche.

It took Plattner a while to realise he was stuck, according to witnesses. Finally, he jumped from the car and started to run - towards the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his car.

The attempt was successful. The car received less damage than its owner.

(http://www.metro.co.uk/)

Everyone farts… Whether it be in public, on a date, or during an interview, it happens and we know how embarrassing it can be.

Luckily, a man named “Big Chicken Mushroom” from WuHan, China, has invented the “Fart Silencer”, a small plastic tube that you… um… put in your anus.

The “Fart Silencer” is a small plastic tube with one end that is completely open and the other end having numerous smaller holes in it.

Users are instructed to insert the open end into their anus when they feel a fart is coming. This should eliminate any unwanted sound farts tend to produce.

Users are also instructed to spray a cotton ball with their favorite perfume and put it into the “Fart Silencer” to eliminate any unwanted odor that might occur.

Below is the inventor’s demonstration by uses his mouth as anus, seems like it is working.

Here is some video of the inventor demonstrating his “Fart Silencer“, with his mouth of course…

(http://www.weirdasianews.com)

A massive 160 meter long and 24 meter high Santa Claus has been sculpted out of ice in China’s northern city of Harbin.

The sculpture is said to be the largest ice Santa in the world, complete with beard and hat.

“It is even bigger and higher than last year’s, and more difficult. The weather swings between warm and cold, so it becomes very wet and slippery on the ice. It is very dangerous for us,” one of the sculptors said.

(http://www.weirdasianews.com)

(http://www.funnyordie.com/)